THIS GRIEF IS ONCE LOVE

-

Semarang, 23rd January 2025

Probably I was on the train heading from town to town yesterday, having lunch and dinner in somewhere. But my mind still rounding there, on the last room I attend, the feeling? Yes, I still there stood still in the room full of good memories. Last night I am thinking about this title, letter that I wanted a llt to write, I am sit in front of the huge mirror in the Hotel Room I stayed. Reading some books, and do small meeting even I know my brain was not there. 

The last two chapters in past six month.

I held a champagne problem on June 2024, April 2024 when we met in Bandung we talked about our journey you told me the girl will marriage soon or later. You asked me to forgive and forget the story between you and the girl. You know what's hard? You do it nearby your house, you cross the line. The most dangerous line, once I thought it will not ever crossed again. But it is. I know how long the path is crossing between you and her, would everything will be different today? 

26th June Bandung, we met to fancy talk hours by hours questioning ourself, and checking our home. I bet, I admit to you that someone is coming on June and I bravely admit that everything is not crossing the line. I close the door, my door, there is no more guest is coming. 

End of July 2024, we both agreed to carry on to build the house till storms come again and again, killing me, killing you, took us for granted and living with uncertainty. I think I've seen this film before, and I don't like the ending. I do whatever it takes to build our house, same amount as you but I think we are two only humans that can not control the situations. We both does not forgive each other past with clear step and walk upon the line like it's just past. Actually is should be something we realize before the storm come to our house. I invited so many guest, friends that I thought will understand me while you buy everything to fix the house, I did not realize that house burn while I making the tea for the guest. 

We closed four chapter stories, about my guest and me. 

Second week of December 2024, the old guest from June is coming. My mistake, I open the door too wide again and let the guest having the tea on your private chair. I should've known that guest should be only at the terrace. In a meantime, I drew worse case to having an invitation and taking the last ride to strange city, I saw it, but deep on my feeling I still love my City J. Having the invitation there is wrong and lead into another mistaken. But, I did not crossing the line that forbidden. I just saw a strange thing, looking for person that would see me as someone back in 2015.   

End of December 2024, I stop the guest for coming deeper and take a look in my house

1. Do I attached since the guest coming (means from July till December) - No, we never attach on anything since I know the guest, as the timeline goes is start only on second week of December 2024. 

I close the house, I have some business inside my house I should've finish my home work rather on learn to leave and kicking out.

--------------------------------------

Six years ago, there was a time when this ache in my chest was not a wound, but heavy, and makes me hard to breathe. It's familiar, why do I have to shaking again on the last memories that once I was grieving and haunted me years by years. This grief I carry now, is something that you always says "This past 6 months" but for me I have a wound on my chest for years, I walk on an empty land, I felt the earth beneath my feet. I sit with it, with the grief all I have. I do always believe that love is always win, and it is. You can proof everything with your empty hands, I always welcome you home, no matter what the storm has passed you and me into broken pieces. 

2022 - June 2024 is my broken heart year, asking my self all along the journey, try to bounce back the why in our relationship? Do I got the answer, yes I do. Even worse shuttered me bit by bit everyday. There were days where I think it would be always a rainbow after huge storms. It would not last the way it was, I make the sparks again with the same person I met since 2018. Even I do not know how to? But I tried to build our lovely house with what's left after it's burn on fire. Have you really forgot? Cause I never. 

If sorry and other words can comforting, could turn you back and turn us into new journey. Closing the chapter with big hearts and cherish each other mistake, to love and acceptance, to love and forgive, is not because I want to but because it's all that's left between us. It threw us away, we were not just broken the past six month or six years, we were crashed, smashed into pieces so small, even we could not find them all. I hope we never walked away while we learned how to live and build a home.  

How would you close your chapter? on to the next chance our meeting

LJ-


Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

SUNSHINE SOUL

-
I was in a rush, to get home after office it is Monday afternoon today pretty sure it is. I spent lot and lot in office but I guess I did not realize some condition around myself are little bit dizzy and I break my mind into pieces. Well, I started to listen some songs that reminds me of beautiful soul. Why don't we become the kind person that have a sunshine soul? I am scrolling through my screen, little smile when I read the quotes is just beautiful, I do not know the title is simple is just "Sunshine Soul" I don't even know what does it mean? If I figured it out myself I believe a sunshine soul is a beautiful soul that we have inside us.  This year will end very soon, I take a look again to myself where do I start since I've been here, asking myself what was I made for since I was born, how tackle every obstacles and adventures in front of me, behind me, or at the future. Being a human is tricky, sometimes we cruel, sometimes full of ambition, sometimes we for...
Baca selengkapnya

THE WAY LIFE GOES

-
Gambar
I called it back to back August, with a little bit modification.  That's true when someone give you a lemon, let's just make a good lemonade, cheers!  We got some stories every day and every year, for me stories is the key in my life. Carry on small journal, small notes, and pen is a soul of her.  Forever young Lj keep being you, keep moving, keep dreaming, keep smiling, keep reading, keep it lowkey! Where are you going next time? Anywhere, any place that give you shine as always!  Sesungguhnya tidak ada hari paling menyenangkan selain pulang tepat waktu dari Kantor, melihat tempat tidur nyaman, membaca dua lembar buku yang akhir-akhir ini sering aku bawa kemanapun, hari ini aku putuskan untuk membawa laptop yg tidak seberapa berat dan satu ember baru berwarna coklat yang aku beli di Pasar, akhirnya aku bisa membeli ember haha senyum lebar mengiringiku sepanjang jalan pulang. Aku yakin satu playlist platform merah berisikan lagu-lagu dari Band indie rock Manchester t...
Baca selengkapnya

WE CAN CATCH THE ALPS

-
Gambar
Hidup tetap berjalan dengan semestinya, maha baiknya masih memberikanku umur sampai saat ini. Orang datang dan pergi tapi aku yakin beberapa tetap tinggal, tidak banyak menampilkan sesuatu, tidak banyak mencari sesuatu, yang aku tetap cari hanya sebuah keinginan untuk bermimpi dari balik jendela kamar kos kecil ini. Menjadikan setiap lembaran buku kusut terlipat itu, menjadi buah mimpiku kelak. Aku hanya memohon pada hadiah ulang tahunku kemarin, menuntut ilmu tidak ada batasnya, menuntut ilmu tidak ada waktu terbaik ataupun terlambat. Terima kasih, aku telah diberikan kesehatan, kesabaran, serta kekuatan untuk menjalani hari esok dengan lebih baik. Sungguh aku tidak banyak meminta, tolong hadirkan saja orang-orang yang mencintaiku apa adanya dengan tulus, lembut, dan bijaksana seperti mendengarkan album "Just Piano" favoritku. Penuh dengan nada indah, tidak terburu-buru dan mencerminkan ketenangan.  Kita tidak dapat mengubah cara seseorang berperilaku kepada kita, tapi kita ...
Baca selengkapnya