YLANG YLANG
Dear god, never have I ever imagined I want to meet you right away in middle of the night. I am happy to hear Ylang Ylang by FKJ playing on my laptop. Dear god can I ask you a question to show me the way and help me out like FKJ found his soul.
God, let me bothering you with my thoughts, let me suffer through every conditions that I deserved in this world. God I make a messy situations along the line. Let me gone through the surface and live something between the line.
What do I live in here, in this world?
Why do I still here? While makes someone disappointed and really falling down the line?
I do not know what does he thinks right now about me, and what does he has inside his mind. I make every people that close with me run away from me. I decide too fast, I decide in rush, I decide in selfish, I decide in cruel, I decide in bias, I decide with only the "I" point of view. How dare I am too close to step upon your destiny?
Let me deliver something that he has to know, let me say what I wish for him every time, what I want for him in his life, and just let me type this through words, over my mistake and mistaken.
God, I am barely blind in your word of "love"
Bloody stupid to understand that what he shows to me is love, and his love is always true. God, in case he know how hard I am on every fight for him I always choose him to be with me, to be half of me, to be my life partner, to be my everything in life, god does he knows it? I am sorry, it's too late to apologize and to try again the relationship. Am I the loser here? The person that destroy every situation? God I am pretty clear, I lose the way. I am sorry. Because sorry is all I can do right now, even I realize that too be sorry and rebuild it it's even harder. He can not accept it, he can not see my answer, he is just too desperate too accept that is come from the person he loved the most. He feels the disgust, the feeling of the way I see him when he does something, nowadays he felt that to me. I can not control the way he feels about me, after all.
God, this past 6 years I do not lie to myself about my feeling of love to him, I am just trying to be clear as possible about what I've been through, and what we've been through. For the past 6 months ever, I didn't connect with a friend of himself, but I take the step in bias way and in blind sided, looking some closure that I deserve something in this world, in fact God I just being cruel and mean to the person I loved. What I found in another side of the world is "hurt" yes, I am hurting everyone closed with me God. My best college friend, my colleague friend, my best friend friends, I must be realize God I am being mess with the people. Blind sided, and one sided, I should've known that I supposed to stop when I realize that I just start to hurt everyone but I am so sorry God, that I fooled myself with "I" center of view.
God, I can not repair this mess by my hands, help me to responsible with this circumstances and life. I take so much life in here, I broke every trust, every home, every situation, every home work that at first I have to finish, but I slam the door, lock it and come back with so much remedy. God, now you must be feel the disgust inside myself too. You must be asking me "Why is she is being like this?"
God, my hands does not fulfill the capacity to change, to repair, to refill, to rebuild the house that we've been build for this past 6 years. I know exactly, the feeling of lose, questioning the worth of life, the value in life, and betrayed by someone we loved the most.
In his life, he carry on so much burden on his shoulder, including me right now he hold so many broken pieces, put one by one, he doesn't even know where to start to build the house God. I am lose, he is lose, we both don't know how?
Two humans heart being stop, stood, and still. Like Vincent playing Ylang-Ylang on his piano and deliver me some space, and peace. I hope God show us the way, God is this true love at the end? I just follow your way and your lead, God every time I make a return to another way, you always make me come back to him, come home, and rest after all. God please forgive me, for something I realize or not realize with my bad influence/intensions/move/sentence/everything.
Dear God, if he ask me do I still love him or not? You can prove him, show him the way to the way your destiny lead us, I do nothing to lose to do with my life, or even to his life. Uqon, is the person I met for the first and the last, god please gave him big heart, and surround him with kindness always. He is the best person I ever met, I forgive everything that happen between us, I wish we can heal every step from now on, he teach me to have a big heart, he teach me always to the better place, he pushes me hard with everything he has in his life just to help me reach out my dreams, and closer to the goals I have in my life, he never shout at me, he never hit me with his hands, he is always making me safe to arrive home.
One day if he found this small letter....
Dear love, I am currently not deserve to called you love after all bad things in your personal, social, and so on happened.
I am so sorry for the feeling that has been caused you in this lowest stage in life. Now on, you must be thinking what should you do after all of the house is broken, burned down empty with my lighter, pretty much you are afraid to love me again, to trust me, to start over with me, you must be confused which part of this that still has a value to be trust and to be seen as pure. Uqon, in all seasons I've been with you I can not undo most of the problems. I can't stop the clock, and I do not have any power left to light on the lamp.
If our life is a jungle, I must be eaten by the tiger. I must be lose on my way back home, cause I have no lights. I just thinking that I could live with my own, in fact I am just me with every moment. Yes it's true no one knows me better rather than you, all the good, the bad and any further me. You know me, love I am so sorry to break your beautiful life with the mess that I caused. Sorry to make you uncomfortable with your surrounding. If we had the chance, I wish I can do better than this, not hurt yourself, your life, your friend, and your dreams. My dearest uqon, might be I am sending you sorry for the rest of my life, I wish I wish we come home, is not us probably but.... it's me..... I hope I can come home...............
Nowhere can be safe in the zone of battle between life and lie
Human wishing a peace
Under the melody, the destiny
They forget about who guides
They forget about whose lights
They lost in the forest
Home that seems afar
Truly home that right under your nose
Vincent, and love is a beat of heart and soul.
City J
lj
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