DREAM HIGH

Unfamiliar either familiar song comes through my playlist on a shuffle, since I leave my spotify playing random song every single of it just go with advertising. 

When I crossing usual small street to my house. The song come from 2011, dream high the series from South Korea, I'm just an elementary student back then 11 years. Amaze the old me is always watch Korean Drama, and it's okay for sure nothing wrong. I and my sister always buy a DVD to the market that only we can arrived by a local transport we called "Angkot" unlucky us the "Angkot" just show up every once by an hour. The price is 5k each DVD, if you want to buy a good one, you have to buy 30k for better experience to watch your Korean Drama. We always run in a marathon when it comes to good movie. I still vividly remember what the hell my sister is watching till 4am. Just by today, I remember good old days with her. 

I just had a convo with her, she is born by 93' and she is amazing, I love her. In a hard situation I see her as an amazing person. I am happy too when both my parents move to the better place in Jakarta, even I could not help them with my own. I try to make them happily in live, for the better I watch my dad getting old and still have the courage to make his own business run smooth. What happen we grow older right now? hell yes, we are. Might be I just step into this phase, I do not know what is that but the least I can do is become a better woman everyday in life. 

Once in a week I had a call with mom, sharing mine. 

I realize, by this age my mom always says:

"Go figured it out!"

"You sure?"

"Ready to face the reality of what will happen next?"

"Any consequences?"

"What makes you move?"

Funny story is my Dad always come after I told mine to Mom, Dad never speak loud to me and yes he is too soft for someone like me that seems like become their first daughter. Dad never gave me too much question, Dad always come to the stage with "God prayer" Nothing I can remember unless the talk on the train after we all visit Bandung (it's his first trip to out of town) "If you are lost on what you are doing and you seek truth even you feel you only standing on an empty space, you did not move, you did not rest well, come home, visit us" Not me being smile and pretend that word just mean a word. I move my face to the window, truth is already night we can not see the view, I just hold my eyes making sure it won't fall and it's okay. I sleep and come home with them. 

This February, I phase the space with so many letters, books, journal, walk, connect with friends, even I have a routine to visit dentist due to some serious conditions which is I hate being to visit doctor, hospital, drink medicine, and so on. But I have to. 

I start making tracker, organize something that I always dream after all, after I buried it out for sometime. Looking for the purpose why do I have to do it? in professional way, in reasonable essay, and measurable time, am I ready? am I have to do it? I am scared, really I do. This stage is terrifying, looks impossible, and unrealistic, is it something that too much for me? is it?? (Rafly's mantra: pray for me might be useful in this case I believe)

I am afraid I can not raise a family like my Mom and Dad doing to us, I am afraid I can not educate my children with the best education, I am afraid to live in this world probably, that's why I hate it if I have no paper, no media to write, I runs out book to read, and yeah... I am afraid if I can't see the world with beautiful mind, scary news is I am afraid I have no one in my life, and someone that I adore, love, and place to look up that this world is ready to welcome you anytime when you're ready. 

I wish day by day, god gave me a courage, big heart, patience, as well as beautiful mind and soul. God please remind me, that if I do with focus and honest to my self, because what meant for you will never pass you. For everything today, tomorrow, and future destiny I wish I believe that god's plan will never be wrong. God, it feels impossible to dream this, but I believe I have to try this. 

Someone says "dream high" 

Lj